Random thoughts before June of 2018 ends

My bestfriend and I had talks about our lives, her life in the U.S. and my life here in the Philippines. Things changed, we used to talked mostly of anime, books written by Mitch Albom, dogs and anything related to Korea. But now our conversation is mostly how it is being an adult, plans in the future and just about how we are doing as an adult.

To be honest, I rarely or never open to someone even to my mom and sister despite of being close to them. It's hard to act fine and mature to everyone but deep inside you wanted someone you can opened with without being judged. I guess that's partly why I created another blog where I can open up freely. 

So back to the topic, I tried to open up to my bestfriend on how I felt at my work, issue of mostly pharmacists who happened to work in a drugstore/ community setting where some of us are considered just "tindera." As a pharmacist, I tend to be the hardworking, mature type when it comes to my work even to my work before. It's hard specially in dealing with senior citizens, you have to explain every details but that's not the problem though, the problem is that they will make you feel that you're always wrong. And as for my work now, it's hard because I had to do everything from placing the drugs, documentations, manual inventory, cashiering, everything. I had to work for 11 hours everyday (M-F) and my pharmacist assistant comes at 2pm. I'm all alone for 6 hours. It's quite sad but I do learn and I can say that I'm quite used to this.

I did not tell all of this to my bestfriend I just told her that I realized, I wasn't satisfied, I wanted to study more, to continue medicine in short. But here's the problem, I told this to my bestfriend, which made me quite teary when I saw her reply. I told her that as the eldest, I felt like, my life has to do with mostly of course helping my mom and sister. I was not protesting but I just said that I felt like rather than continue studying, I should focus on helping first since we aren't really rich, we depend on so many people that I wanted to earn money and just help. But here's the thing, my bestfriend told me that I shouldn't be stuck on that idea of being the eldest one because how about my dreams? Will I just stopped from here and just do nothing? That made me think, more likely made me cry. I guess I haven't really thought about that because my mom has been happy knowing I can help her now. My sister will continue medicine while for myself though I am planning to take NMAT on March, I felt like I can't still continue and pursue what I wanted? because I'm stuck with the idea of being the eldest/I-need-to-earn-money-to-help-my-mom-and-sister/sister-comes-first. I felt quite sad I didn't manage to reply to her. I'm still quite confused to be honest, if I should continue to study even after 2 years because I feel like I still have better purpose, I wanted to learn more and really practiced what I have learned before.